If Only !!

by Swati Pillai on Sunday, 02 November 2008 at 14:42.

The phone rang and It was Him .. A Mental note to bar his calls .. I picked it up and he said he needed my help ..

I thought it was just one of those days when Rizwan wanted money for his sick, disgusting needs .. To inject himself and lie in a pool of himself until someone sympathized and cleaned him up and put him on his bed .. I hung up on him .. The same old filmy thingie .. Hello , Hello , I cant hear u rizaaa !! n plat .. hung up ..

Newspaper next day " Rizwan Mohammed, Son of Oil Merchant Mohammed Bros., found in his pool with froth dripping out of his mouth " with a ghastly pic alongside ..

I knew him since i was in 10th grade as an acquaintance, the handsome boy with the dishevelled brown hair, the awesome clothes and the lady's man. Back then, I wouldve given an arm and a leg to be his best budd .. Not so much later ..
We grew up together .. he always took care of me .. kept away the big bad bullies .. he'd say "She's my girl" and he loved me like his very own sister .. the love i never received from my own brother was fulfilled by this guy who just breezed into my life .. We would hang out every day and talk into the late hours at nite .. Id sit on his bike and he's take me around wid pride .. He showed me what the city was outside the sheltered arms of my parents .. He taught me how to stand up for myself and fight for what's right .. In the darkest of nights, He was my brightest star .. We would sing hindi songs and embarrass our friends .. he would drop me to college sometimes and pick me up as well .. He was the brother i never had .. My protector , My shade .. What ever i dreamt of in my brother ..
I went to his house one day .. i found his pent house unlocked and in a mess .. which was completely unlike him .. and then i saw Him .. wide eyed and crazy like he couldnt control himself .. Veins popping out of his arm as he injected himself .. a growl of an animal and then a sound of relief .. i watched in horror wishing he would breathe .. He saw me n tears stung his eyes .. "Na betaa .. Koi na" he cried .. I was too stricken .. Abu uncle came .. He sat me down n told me that this happened everyday .. Abu uncle brought me coffee and sat by my side .. Rizwan realized what he had done and from me, he tried to hide .. I just stared into his bloodied eyes and screamed into his face .. Do u wanna shame your family and also number ure days ? "Nah baba" he said to me .. "This is all I have .. How else will i pay for all the love i never had .." His dad was always busy and his mom he never knew .. But he went to the mosque every friday and to his faith he stayed true .. He never got the love he deserved and never knew how to ask .. He never thought it right to let people know his heart of glass .. was shattered and hopes abolished of every little dream .. Because he was all alone even when he sat by me ..
I knew what he did was wrong .. so i bid good bye and came back home .. I spoke to the skies at night and asked them what to do .. I got my answer in a heartbeat that I must never let him do .. That which i felt was wrong cos I loved him dearly so .. My Protector, My Shade, My big Bro .. I yelled at him whenever I knew he was doing wrong .. But he thought i was a broken recorder singing the same old song ..
We drifted apart slowly when hearts grew further away than distance .. But we knew if he called me and said he needed me, Id be there for him that instant .. But i knew he would never call .. The male ego never does .. To call a woman who left your side and never said it but bid you good bye ..

And then one day, I found out from a common friend that Riza dint have money any more .. His father had stopped the flow when he heard about my fears .. Abu uncle had told him what happened and his father withdrew with shame .. He said he had no son who had blackened his name .. And so Riza was borrowing hoards of money from anyone who would lend a penny .. His Pride, Ego, Self esteem, All dust in front of money .. And he called twice since and asked me - Beta do u have any to spare .. I got mad at him and yelled "Riza dont u dare !!"

And so i detested his calls .. My Bro .. My Protector .. My Shade ..

And now he's with the stars .. Shining down brightly on me .. But where was I when he needed his Sister, His protection , His shade .. I was cowering in my cowardice away from the brother I had made ..

This is not for you to know that I repent every single day .. This is for u to know that u do have a say ..

To help the life of those you love when u know its goin down da Drain ..
We have all lost ones we love dearly and this is no different .. Its the same Pain ..
Would u wanna look back and say Oh God What Was The Gain ?


My dear Riza .. I think of u every 30th of last month .. I know I wronged u .. and Im So Sorry ..

If Only Riza, Id answered your call .. If Only ..

I Love You .. My Protector, My Shade .. And Most Of All, Alwayz- My Bro !!!

I Love you and I Miss you,
Beta ...